[snapshots] of malawi.

[mawu]

one of the newest members of timothy’s home, mawu brings a unique and spunky character to the group. she is one of the most joyful people i have ever met and honestly i never would have thought such hurt and abandonment were a part of her life. in most scenarios she is the most easy going and seemingly unaffected by the pieces of her life that should hurt so much. but the first day i did play therapy with all of the kids she was literally scared. scared of the toys. it was such an incredible observation for me to see a child literally afraid of a baby doll. but i remember her seeing that doll, jumping and shreaking, and then slowly approaching it. she got right next to the doll and poked it realizing at that point it was only a toy. after that realization she slowly warmed up to the doll and in fact it became her favorite toy in the room, the first thing she grabbed and really one of the only things she played with. she wrapped the baby on her back, rocked it, fed it, and treated it like a real baby. as i sit here and process my time with mawu i can really tie her personality and life to her reaction with the baby doll. initially she is scared, easily startled, but the more she gets closer to the root of the problem and pokes it the more she realizes it isn’t so scary. the closer she got to sharing her past the more she realized it didn’t define her. if she treated it just right it may actually give her something to embrace. in our weeks together she started learning how to find the place she finds herself safe and how to embrace her past. she has faced hurt, but the joy on her face tells a different story. it shows the face of a strong girl who has poked her fears in the face and risen above it.

i pray for mawu everyday. that the joy i saw will always be a strong part of who she is. that she pokes her fears in the face and rises above them everyday. that she continues loving Jesus in big ways and taking risks and using her personality to share that love. that she will embrace the strong and beautiful woman she is already becoming. and that she feels loved everyday.

i remember this little girl, a little girl i can clearly say helped me fall in love with malawi. she was just a little bundle of joy that summer of 2009. yes, she was a little apprehensive of us white people- but she was not hesitant to play and dance and laugh. i thought she was so tiny and wonderful. her name is chrissy. not to pick favorites, but she was one of the favorites from that first summer in malawi.

fast forward to summer 2010. it was during my first weeks in malawi and we were going to chipoka to see the kids in that project. i knew that chrissy was one of the few children in this project and i was anticipating seeing her face again, but as the morning hours flew by there was no sight of chrissy. after our work there was done we were told we had a home to visit, the home of chrissy who was once again very sick. i remember seeing her that day and i remember the horrible feeling i got from seeing her face. the life and joy had faded. we took chrissy back with us for what would be 3 weeks. 3 weeks with little improvement. chrissy always was a stubborn girl :) in those 3 weeks i made so many memories. sometimes i catch myself whining like chrissy “chippppsss, i want chips!” “sweets, all of the sweets!.” in those 3 weeks i watched this girl receive so much love. so much attention. but i also watched her suffering. her 6 year old body was weak like an 80 year old with the face of a sweet 2 year old. swollen eyes, skin and bones, and a protruded tummy.

those 3 weeks passed quickly. and we knew when it was time for her to go home with her family. a family who loves her and cares for her. but that day was not easy. i remember watching from the mini bus window as we passed her off to her grandpa. her family anxious for her to be home again, but none of us ready to say goodbye. i remember thinking that day, this could be the last time i see her.

fast forward a month after my return from malawi. the dreaded message came. the message i half expected, half did not want to ever hear. chrissy passed away. i remember the flood of emotion that hit me. the sadness and tears that the malawi i knew would never be the same, and the little girl i had grown to know and love so much would not be there next time. it hurt, and it still hurts. and i still ask God everyday why these things have to happen. but in the midst of the hurt and sadness and pain i realized something so much more important. i realized that chrissy is dancing and laughing and running and playing like a 6 year old girl should do. she doesn’t have AIDS anymore. none of the illnesses can define her anymore. she is with her Jesus. and she can have all of the chips and sweets she wants! sure there is hurt and sadness for those of us here without her, and for her family who sees the void in their home everyday. but there is joy and healing and hope in the life of chrissy.

[tionge.]

open book. hurtful past. big dreams. there is one thing you will realize the moment you meet tionge, she is willing to be completely open and vulnerable. the first day i sat down with her, she told the stories of a horrible past. things that i could never experience flowed from her. as these words were translated i kept asking, are these things true?! yes, she was beat by her father. tied to things by the ankle like a goat. her belongings were taken from her and burned. in the eyes of her family, she was worthless. but what they looked past was how strong of a girl they were messing with. she was determined to get past that and of all the girls i worked with she has found hope in her new home faster than any. she was willing from day 1 to share her story, to find safety, and to move past the hurtful past. she does not let her past define her. she has huge dreams for the future. and for a 12 year old she is incredibly strong despite her lifes challenges. my life was blessed and challenged by tionge this summer. a girl who has faced challenges far beyond my imagination showed me what real strength is in life. she challenged me to not let the past define me, to dream big, and to be open and vulnerable. her willingness to share her story is one thing i can point to as healing her. she never felt as though she had to hold it in. yes, there are still signs on her life and spirit that show she faced challenges. but those signs don’t define her.

i pray for tionge, to continue to pursue big dreams for the future. to continue being stronger and better than her past. to continue relying on others despite the hurt others have caused her. and i pray that she continues to influence lives of others just like she has impacted mine.

(Befa.)

her face showed no emotion, well no happiness at least, a face of pain from the past. she just didn’t feel anything anymore. this 10 year old girl has experienced more in her 10 years than a person could ever dream of having to go through in their entire life. she holds the story, the scar of abuse, loss of parents, spiritual battle, and that is probably just the start. her name is Befa (or Bertha), a Malawian who has one of the sweetest hearts. if you peel back the scars a face emerges that you wouldn’t really expect initially. she just has never found a safe place to peel back the layers. well with 5 weeks of safety and attention these layers slowly pulled back. she may not have expressed all the hurt of her past, but she found joy in the present. one day when no questions could get her to talk and no toy captured her attention, she turned to a piece of paper. the request was that she draw a place she feels completely safe. emerging was an image of the home she now lives in and the sign at the end of the road. a sign bearing the words “Circle of HOPE”, hope being just the thing she had found here. she found a place to belong, thrive, and to begin to be all God created her to be. that day the picture became a bridge for words to come. she was able to contrast the past life with the safe place she finds herself now. she really doesn’t seem to remember much of her past, but the scars were still there. as we dwelled on the present and she saw the hope that lies in her safe place, a small smile creeped onto her face. the smile slowly grew the following weeks as she found love and belonging, no more scars could hide her. in 5 weeks i saw Befa transform from isolated and angry, to joyful and very present. it is almost harder to find her alone or without a smile now. she found a sense of hope with washed away scars.

(Chrissy.)

I held her in my arms for an hour, the sweet little Chrissy. Her body looks like a 3 year old, but in reality she is 6. her body is burning up with a fever, and her breathing is so fast. her entire being is weak. not only physically, but also her will to keep fighting for her life. Chrissy’s body is not only consumed with AIDS, it has lost its passion and desire to thrive. she won’t eat. her lack of nutrition leavers her body malnourished and even more ill. you can’t look at her and not want to cry- this is not the Chrissy we know and love! The Chrissy who should not stop talking, playing tricks, and cracking jokes. we pray every day for that Chrissy to come back to us. I have seen God do miracles before, and for this night we pray and know that He has her in his arms. 

I wrote this on May 29th the first night of the 2 and a half weeks she would spend with us. during her weeks with us she gained very little strength. despite the food we fed her, she still lost weight and her iron count dropped. she went to the doctor and they put her on the strongest AIDS medicine that there currently is. she is back at her home now, and we pray that the medicine works. if it doesn’t her life will be cut much too short. i can’t stop picturing her in my head, and as I do tears come. Jesus- please heal our little Chrissy.

well after the long journey, complete with delays and long waits in the airport, i am home. Malawi was an even more incredible experience than i ever could have imagined. at this point i can’t even begin to express all that i saw, heard, and learned. i’m going to post a few entries that i wrote while there, but expect many more yet to come. my heart is very sad to be away from malawi- but as i process just know that i will write my heart out and share as many experiences as i can!